I wrote this a few months after the twins were born but never published it because I felt like it was too depressing. I decided to publish it today because I think it might be interesting and it definitely is the opposite of the "candy coated" version. So, read if you would like:
Well, I have debated a long time about writing about the twins being born, partly because I am still upset by the whole thing, and partly because I'm not sure it would be very good reading. So I am finally getting around to it, and if you don't care to hear about it, don't read it!
I had a pretty rough pregnancy. It started out like the other two, lots of nausea and vomiting, I lost a bunch of weight and didn't gain it back till well into the second trimester. I had to hire a housekeeper because I could barely get off the couch most of the time, and a sweet friend brought dinner once a week (what a life saver!). I was due March 22nd but we knew the babies would come quite a bit early. During my seventh month I started to be very anxious for it all to be over and I hoped to have them any day. I knew that having babies early was not a good thing but I just didn't care anymore. The last week of my pregnancy beginning around the 10th of February I started to go downhill very quickly. I was calling Adam every day asking him to come home and take care of the kids so I could rest. I was getting migraines (which are nearly impossible to make go away when you're pregnant) and dizzy spells. I had been going in for fetal monitoring for the last couple weeks and had an appointment on the 19th, Adam had to go with me because I was getting to the point where I could hardly walk without help and I hadn't been able to hold anything down since around noon. My blood pressure was high so they re-checked it a few times throughout the appointment with no improvement. Then all of a sudden everyone was worried. They made me do a bunch of blood work and gave me a kit to take home to collect my urine for 24 hours (let me tell you how excited I was about that one). They said they would put a rush on the blood work and let me know as soon as they heard. So we went home to wait for the results.
When we got home I called my mom asking her to come sooner than planned because things were really not going well, and I asked my sister Jill to take the kids for the night because I was just too sick to deal with them. About an hour after we got home the doctor's office called and pretty much said "your blood work came back really bad, you need to come to the hospital right away, you're probably having the babies tonight." What?? So we packed up the kids and took them to a friend's to wait for my brother-in-law to pick them up (he actually got there at the same time as us) and ran off to the hospital.
When we got to the hospital they didn't really tell us what was going on. They put us in a room to wait and we sat there for a while wondering what was going to happen. A nurse walked by and asked us what we were waiting for and we said we didn't really know, so she said I at least needed to get changed. Once I got into the hospital gown everything happened suddenly. They were sticking things in me and getting me ready for surgery and finally someone told me that I had preeclampsia and needed to get the babies out right away. They gave me magnesium which is the worst stuff in the whole world. It is supposed to prevent seizures and stuff. It made me feel really hot, like burning and tingling and weird and sick and yuck. It felt like there was a heating pad on my pillow on the highest setting and there was no way to remove it. It kind of made me think of what it would feel like to become a vampire (hahaha Twilight). I was still throwing up when they took me into the operating room but once I had my spinal block I couldn't throw up anymore but still felt like I needed to. It was the weirdest feeling ever. The C-section was ok, I kind of freaked out because of the magnesium so they kept giving me "happy drugs" (according to Adam). Adam kept trying to hold my hand but it felt so hot I just kept hitting his hand away. What I remember the most was being so annoyed at those babies crying. And thinking that I shouldn't be annoyed because it is good they are crying, that means they are alive, but I still felt like "somebody get those babies to shut up!"
After the babies were kind of cleaned up a little they were ready to take them to the NICU and Adam got to hold each one for about a minute and he brought them over to show me. I only got to see them for about 2 seconds and then that was it. I didn't see them in person again for a day and a half. After I was all stitched up I was so messed up from the preeclampsia and the magnesium that the only thing I could do was lay there. I had no voice, my mind was foggy and blurry and dizzy, and I was still nauseated. I felt so angry about the whole thing because the only thing that got me through the whole pregnancy was the knowledge that once I had the babies I would feel better. SO not the case. For the first 2 days Adam went and visited the babies (who were doing extremely well) and would bring back videos and pictures for me to see. In the evening of the second day I finally got into a wheelchair and went down to the NICU to see them. They were each in their own incubator and we could only stick our hands in to touch them, but after about 5 minutes all I wanted was to go back to my bed. It was the weirdest feeling in the world to have just had 2 babies and care more about being in bed by myself than getting to know them.
About the third day in the hospital I finally kind of woke up. They made me walk more and take a shower (which I was fuming about, I wasn't a very good patient!). I complained the whole time. I finally got to hold one of the babies (I think it was Jackson) but after a few minutes I felt like I was going to drop him so I just went back to my room. As the magnesium finally really cleared my system I felt more and more like seeing the babies, and I could walk half way to the NICU before I needed the wheelchair again. The babies moved into a hospital bassinet (that's what I call it) together but Brandon was having episodes of his heart rate dropping so the alarm would go off almost constantly, very annoying. Jackson looked like a little alien, he had a big round noggin and a tiny little pointy face and little buggy eyes....haha. Brandon looked like Patrick Stewart (you know, Captain Picard from Star Trek), he seriously did!! They both were eating pretty well though, it was just hard to keep them awake for the feedings. This whole time they were called "Baby A" and "Baby B" we had such a hard time naming them! The nurses kept teasing me about how my babies were sad that they didn't have names. I know they were teasing but it made me feel bad, I was an emotional wreck as it was and my poor babies didn't have names! We pretty much were set on Brandon, but poor little Baby B was such a quandary. On the 5th day I was there, just before I was discharged we finally decided on Brandon and Jackson. I think we got it right but boy, I hate naming babies!
The twins stayed in the hospital for 12 days total. My doctor told me that if I over-did it trying to visit them he would throw me back in. I had really bad anemia and was still really messed up from the preeclampsia so I was pretty much useless. So I wasn't allowed to visit more than once a day, and one day I didn't go at all. I felt guilty the whole time for not going more, but they wouldn't let them come home until they felt I was doing better and I wasn't going to get better unless I rested most of the time. It was the longest week of my life. The whole situation just seemed so wrong. The babies were doing well though and the nurses really liked them. One nurse told me that Brandon was going to be my star pupil and Jackson was going to be a little hellion.....I thought it was funny, and is still true. We would always laugh so much with Jackson, he would make the funniest faces and he was awake a lot more. Brandon was just such a little sweetheart and would sleep most of the time. He would just lay there when Jackson was screaming his head off, he still does.
On the day the twins were released I was taking a nap and when I came down the stairs after waking up my mom and Adam seemed excited to tell me something. I had thought when the news came I would be so happy but when I heard that I could finally bring my babies home I just felt so overwhelmed and I felt like crying. I was starting to think that they would be in that hospital forever! It was all so weird, I had gotten used to being able to sleep all night even though I had newborns, now the real work was about to begin.
I pretty much planned on not getting any sleep at all the first night, and boy I sure didn't! We kept on the hospital schedule of feeding them every 3 hours a half hour apart. It was very difficult. At least those first couple days they still slept any time they weren't eating. After a week or so the screaming started. I am telling you, I have never heard a baby scream so loud and for so long! Jackson was so impatient, he wanted his bottle RIGHT NOW and he wanted his diaper changed RIGHT NOW. Originally Brandon was first for feedings but I quickly switched them or I would listen to Jackson scream for Brandon's entire feeding. Jackson became the center of attention very quickly, but I always made a little time each day to snuggle Brandon and enjoy the fact that he was such an easy, cute, cuddly, sweet little baby.
My mom ended up staying with us for 5 weeks! It was probably the longest 5 weeks of her life. I know we could not have survived without her and we are forever indebted to her for all she has done and still does for us. (love you mom!) She said she would stay until I was better, and that's how long it took!
The first 3 months of the twins' lives are a complete blur. I have never been so sleep deprived in my life. And I really hope I never will be again. I got about an hour of sleep at a time in between feedings at night and sometimes got naps during the day. I usually averaged a whopping 3 to 4 hours of sleep a day! It was completely out of control. Around the 4 month mark I got both babies sleeping (I wrote about that in an earlier post) and my life has been quite pleasant ever since! Having two little smiling babies who sleep and eat really well is complete bliss! (Their sister on the other hand......well, you know) I guess Heavenly Father has faith in me to raise these little spirits, but for a while there I really was starting to think He made a mistake. Now that we are past the worst of it (pregnancy and the first few months after birth) I finally believe that I can do it and life is pretty good! People ask me how I do it and I usually just say "one minute at a time, and I really don't always do it very well, but we survive." It is very difficult to have 4 children under the age of 5, but I wouldn't trade them for the world!
